So tired, but can’t give in

Everyday, late in the afternoons, the fatigue creeps up once more. It’s something that I can’t hide very well. I wear it on my face. Yesterday, I went to pick up my vehicle from the repair shop, and the adjuster said “Oh, you look so tired!” I turned to him and said “Uh, thanks?” I knew I looked tired, I felt it, and I just can’t help how it resonates on my face. I can’t stand it. I think when I am tired I look about 10 years older than I am. Not that there is anything wrong with looking that age, I’m just not there yet.

Back in 2019, I had a sleep study done. Please ignore the psycho eyes I am making here, I had a really hard time taking a photo that evening. What you can’t see is all the monitoring pads glued to my scalp. The results of my study showed that sleep apnea was not the reason that I had a problem getting enough rest, but that I have RLS and PLMD: Periodic Limb Movement Disorder. Basically, I don’t stop moving long enough for my body to rest before or after I am asleep. I have frequent muscle twitches. In fact, last night I woke up from a back spasm. The doctor wanted me to try iron supplements, but they are too hard on my stomach. The other type of treatment goes from something as mundane as iron supplements to something like gabapentin, used as an anticonvulsant.

In addition to those woes, I also have carpal tunnel syndrome which during a real flare up the pain is excruciating during the middle of the night, even with wrist braces. I’m sure many of my issues point to my weight being at least part of the source, but also the fact that I am just so sedentary. Its a bit of a vicious cycle. I don’t get enough sleep leads to me being too tired to do anything then leads me to getting bad sleep again.

Lately, my husband has noticed just how exhausted I have been. He knows I can’t help it. He’s offered to step in for me to do some of my responsibilities, and boy have I really wanted to say “yes, please, here, and thank you!” But I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I told him that if I started doing that, I’ll never do anything again. I have had to push through this extreme fatigue to ensure that I am doing my part and not laying everything on him.

It’s not all about ensuring my responsibilities, but its also about making sure I continue just LIVING. I am not ready to give in. I am not ready to say I am done. I know sometimes its just good to let the dishes sit, or to put off the laundry. I do my fair share of that. But I will still do it. I will get to it. I want to age to the best of my abilities. I have so much more living to do before I am ready to throw in the towel.

Its a struggle. I try eating better, I slip up. I get on health kicks, but then I divert. But I am not giving up. While consistency is the key to success, and its something I need to work on, giving up entirely is denying myself that chance to succeed. I just won’t do that.

So I will continue to work on eating better (not dieting), and getting exercise in the mornings and eventually getting to a level of consistency that I can be happy with. Today, I woke up for the second time this week early to get 45 minutes of walking in. I am thrilled with myself. Let’s see if I can do this again tomorrow.

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